Jeez, that was fast

Liverpool sign Alberto Aquilani for £20m to fill Xabi Alonso's berth Football.Guardian.co.uk

So...it looks like Rafa has had this deal in the pipeline for a long time. From what I've read, it sounds like Liverpool had already completed an agreement with Roma over Alberto Aquilani, including agreeing terms with player himself, in anticipation of Alonso's departure. Now that it is all over and done with, Benitez has admitted that Alonso had asked to leave as long ago as May. One can only assume, then, that the deal has taken so long because Rafa was keen on extracting the maximum possible fee from Real Madrid for Alonso's transfer. Though I'm disappointed to see Xabi Alonso depart, it sounds like he had his heart well and truly set on leaving, and in that light, the way Benitez handled the negotiations for the transfer were masterfully done indeed.

On paper, this deal does look like a rather tidy bit of business. Aquilani is only 25- two years younger than Alonso. He has captained both Italy's under-19s and under-21s. The above article reports that both Chelsea and Arsenal had previously tried to sign him as a teenager. A quick YouTube survey indeed revealed a player that looks to possess a great passing game as well as a thunderbolt of a shot. Selling Alonso for 30million pounds, and buying Aquilani (a younger model) for 20million pounds seems like some pretty astute management. I am, however, not without concern.

It sounds like Aquilani is a tad injury prone. Indeed, he had surgery in May on his ankle and it doesn't sound like he'll be fit for the opener against Alex's beloved Spurs. For me this is a worry. He won't have any real pre-season with the squad and will be facing the task of acustomizing himself to a new style of play which is much, much quicker than the rather sub-standard Italian league. In this repsect, Aquilani will take some convincing before truly filling the gap left where Alonso's comforting mid-field assurance used to be. Having said that, there are some amazing strikes (and passes) in his YouTube repetoire. A couple of those would go a long way towards erasing Alonso from the minds of fans.

Goshdarn mothertruckin slug-in-the-ditch

Rafael Benítez rewarded with £30m as Xabi Alonso seals Madrid move Football.Guardian.co.uk

First off, let me just say that I am Jack's complete lack of surprise. Secondly, let me just say there aren't words for how much I hate Real Madrid. I could handle it when they were busy buying everyone else's best players (okay, I thought it was hilarious). But now...well...they make me vomit a little bit in my mouth. Thirdly, let me say stupid, stupid Rafa. He pissed Alonso off last year when he inexplicably thought that Gareth Barry was somehow better than Xabi and tried to offload him to Juventus. It would seem that Alonso has been harbouring significant resentment since then. Otherwise it's a bit baffling why a player who has spent five seasons at Liverpool, each one bringing them closer and closer to the title, would choose now to leave. Last year was Liverpool's best ever points haul since the inception of the Premier League. This season holds (or at least it did till Alonso bailed) the most promise for the title in recent memory. Especially with Ronaldo leaving Man Utd. In my opinion, Benitez has made a pretty big mistake in his treatment of Alonso last year and must shoulder a significant chunk of the blame for this outcome.

The only silver lining is that he had the balls to hold out until he got the full 30million pounds he was after. I must admit that that represents a decent bit of business considering we bought him for only 10.5million pounds in 2004. And it does mean that Liverpool will have some cash to splash out before the end of the tranfer window. However I am deeply concerned about a lack of real creative ball-playing midfielders. There aren's many of Xabi's callibre in the world, and virtually none for sale right now.

So what does this mean for Liverpool's season? Well, bluntly, either we bring a new playmaker, or...we don't. Apparently we are linked to Roma's Alberto Aquilani, though I must admit to know very little about the player, except that he's Italian. And apart from Zola and Vialli in their hey-day at Chelsea and fascist goal scorer extraordinaire, Paolo DiCanio's stint at West Ham, Italians haven't really faired that well in England. Apart from that, talk of David Silva (the Valencia left-winger/forward) is bubbling up again. While I think Silva would be an amazing addition, giving the left wing some serious pace and skill, without someone like Alonso to ping those cross-field Pro Evo passes to him, his skills could well be marginalised. Lucas is decent at breaking up play, but his passing range is far from inspiring, and besides, Mascherano is far better as a destroyer (and distributor) anyway. To bring in Silva without a bringing in a play-making midfielder would probably mean dropping Gerrard deeper than he's played since Torres' arrival (as he is the only other player really capable of hitting those kinds of amazing, long-range passes). But of course that would mean breaking up one of the best attacking partnerships currently going in world football. It must be said that Alonso's sale (on paper at least), looks like a step backwards just when Liverpool were promising to push on.

Having said all that, I'm still going to attempt to end on an optimistic note. These moves are nothing if not exciting. Sometimes I think I'm more addicted to transfers and transfer rumors than the actual sport. Xabi's departure, while definately a loss on its own, does add an element of mystery to the upcoming season, at least from a Liverpool fan's point of view. How will we play? Will a new hero step up? Will Benitez surprise us all with a late transfer-window coup? It's important to keep in mind, I think, the fact that Alonso himself requested the tranfer. If he doesn't want to be there, it doesn't make much sense to force him to stay. Not when there would be heaps of players who would jump at the opportunity to play for the team Alonso has been so keen to leave. On the pitch Alonso will be hard to replace, but not, I should think, impossible.

Drogba pulls a Seedorf

Against Milan, his current team.



And the referenced goal:

The Sleeper (part 3)

Now up in Campbell River with Kevin. Going to go tree obstacle coursing today.

July 23 - 10 hours - 1 nap
July 24 - 10.5 hours - 0 naps

The Sleeper (pt 2)

Heather's sleeping count continues. In Victoria now, going kayaking tomorrow morning. Seeing C-dog soon.

July 21 - 10 hours (1 nap)
July 22 - 9 hours (2 naps)

Greatest Defensive Pairing Ever.

Dammit Ferrell! You're not a Chelsea fan, are you!

Should be wearing a different blue shirt with that Fellaini hair.

There just aren't words for this.

(Heavy sigh)

GERRARD FACES AFFRAY TRIAL ALONE- football365.com

ALL the accused pleaded guilty.

Accept one.

It took heart. It took courage.

It was a captain's stand.

Everyone thought they were out.

They had given up hope...

But one...

rose above.













Who wants to start taking bets that he's found guilty?

The Sleeper

Here, in a recurring series, I'm going to catalog Heather's sleeping schedule while on vacation. The total includes the previous night's sleep and the total naps of the days.

July 18 - 10 hours - 2 naps
July 19 - 10.5 hours - 3 naps
July 20 - 10 hours - 0 naps

She claims she needs 11 hours a day, so her average is already starting out low.

We're on vacation right now. We enjoyed Rec Beach in Vancouver today and will spend the night on the UBC campus before departing on the ferry tomorrow morning.

messi zidane ad.

Can't decide whether this is awesome or retarded.




Gonna go with a touch of the 'tards.

P.s. Anybody wanna go on a quest with me to rob the wizard of his magical zippo? The Uncle could use it. We need it more than Messi. Or Zidane for that matter.

Nut kick coach

Good old Concacaf soccer. Nothing is ever normal.

This is Mexico's coach kicking a player (apparently he was reaching for the ball) because he believed the ball was out of play and the opponent was still playing it.

He was suspended a number of games. Apparently it took 12 minutes to restore order on the field after Mexico supporters showered the field with whatever they had their hands on.

Murphy's Law

I really hate this law right now. And given my disdain for Air Canada, it's all culminating into a blood boiling cauldron of frustration.

Since the weekend I've been lamenting the fact I didn't take advantage of Air Canada's sale over Canada Day for a $550 trip to Toronto. Prices steadied at $623 and I told Heather on Sunday "no matter what I do, if I get tickets at that price they will drop, otherwise they will go up in price. Murphy's Law."

So 12 hours after I buy tickets at $623, what happens? That's right, they drop to $518. $105 dollars, down the drain. FBOMB.

Falcao

This Falcao guy is way better than that stupid bird from Star Fox.

Remi Gaillard

I seriously just spent 2 hours watching these on youtube. Hilarious. Helps if you speak French.

I've got to get that shirt

ORBMU!



On a side note, Owen goes to Man U. I wonder if the backwards Umbro shirt is a statement that the world is backwards based on that signing. Or did The Daily Mail cleverly photoshop this? HMMMMMM.

Top Ten Shock Transfers

From ESPN Soccernet...

Luis Figo - Barcelona to Real Madrid (2000)
Figo's move from Barcelona to Real Madrid for a world record fee of £37m was perhaps the most controversial in Spanish football history. Moving from the Catalan club to Madrid for such a star player was unthinkable, but Figo made the switch in 2000. The first time he returned to the Nou Camp you could say he received something of a frosty reception, which resulted in several objects being thrown at him... including a pig's head.

Because everyone knows, Figo is a beef man.

SP Headline Fail

Inuendo Fail!

Unbeatable

From ESPN Soccernet...

Robinho believes Manchester City will be 'almost unbeatable' if the club manage to sign Samuel Eto'o from Barcelona this summer.

Yeah, and while Richard Dunne sits out his 8 suspensions next year, Tevez could slot in at center back. Unbeatable.

I don't know how you get even close to that conclusion by loading up on strikers. If Tevez and Eto'o sign, that will surely close out the forward ranks for the upcoming season, along with Robinho and Roque Santa Cruz. Get ready for some bitching about playing time coming from Man City this year.

Canada's Gold Cup Squadron

from canadasoccer.com...

CANADA
1- G- Greg Sutton | unattached / sans club
2- D- Adrian Cann | DEN / Esbjerg fB
3- D/M- Mike Klukowski | BEL / Club Brugge KV
4- D- André Hainault | USA / Houston Dynamo
6- M- Julian de Guzman | ESP / Deportivo La Coruna
5- D/F- Kevin McKenna | GER / 1. FC Köln
7- D/M- Paul Stalteri | GER / Borussia Mönchengladbach
8- M- Marcel de Jong | NED / Roda JC
9- F- Ali Gerba | CAN / Toronto FC
10- M/F- Willi Johnson | USA / Real Salt Lake
11- D- Richard Hastings | SCO / Inverness CT
12- M- Issey Nakajima-Farran | DEN / FC Nordsjælland
13- M- Atiba Hutchinson | DEN / F.C. København
14- D- Dejan Jakovic | USA / DC United
15- M/F- Josh Simpson | GER / FC Kaiserslautern
16- F- Simeon Jackson | ENG / Gillingham FC
17- D/M- Jaime Peters | ENG / Ipswich Town FC
18- G- Joshua Wagenaar | ENG / Yeovil Town
19- D/M- Kevin Harmse | CAN / Toronto FC
20- M- Patrice Bernier | DEN / FC Nordsjælland
21- M- Chris Pozniak | SCO / Dundee FC
22- G- Kenny Stamatopoulos | NOR / FC Lyn Oslo (on loan from Tromsø I.L.)
23- F- Charles Gbeke | CAN / Vancouver Whitecaps FC

Notable absences are Dwayne De Rosario and Adrian Serioux. Dero isn't much of a surprise because he already said he wasn't likely to play. The stupid MLS doesn't respect international tournaments / World Cup Qualifying, so this makes it even tougher for players to choose country over club or vice versa. I think Serioux is battling injuries, so that likely played a part.

I want to see André Hainault replace Serioux in central defense and anyone (McKenna preferably) replace Richard Hastings. I know Stalteri is likely to captain the team, but it really is time for him to quit. I'm stoked to see Simeon Jackson play for the first time, after he scored a Wembley goal to secure promotion for Gillingham to League One and he scored on his debut for Canada to secure the 1-0 victory agains Cyprus last month.

I'm not sure why Newcastle defender David Edgar or Portsmouth keeper Asmir Begovic aren't included either. These are good young players and we really need to bring them into the fold, they could be crucial for our qualification for WC 2014.

Size matters

Since this topic always comes up, usually during Euro's and World Cup's, I thought I would put the issue to bed. The soccer fields we play on here in Saskatoon are just as big, and in some cases BIGGER than the fields professionals play on. Using my Google Map measuring skills, here are the comparisons:

Saskatoon Umea - 81 yds vs. 121 yds (bigger than the 80 v 120 yds max requirement for International games)
Saskatoon Newsham - 72 yds vs. 106 yds
Saskatoon Sasktel Center Fields - 75 yds vs. 110 yds

Stamford Bridge (Chelsea) - 73 yds vs. 110 yds
Upton Park (West Ham) - 73 yds vs. 110 yds
City of Manchester Stadium (Manchester City) - 74 yds vs. 114 yds
Anfield (Liverpool) - 74 yds vs. 110 yds
Nou Camp (Barcelona) - 75 yds vs. 115 yds

The Slide Tackle

I've been reduced to limping on both sides, which might tie the world record for most limping legs. This was the result of a soccer slide tackle on skin searing artificial grass. I thought it would be fun to chronicle (what I hope to be) my last raspberry.

I've done quite well with my slide tackles so far this year, probably pushing a dozen with 0 fouls and more often than not coming away with possession of the ball. This was another one of those occasions. After getting up with ball on foot, I made a pass which, shortly thereafter, was put out for a throw in which I went to take. Sensing that something might be wrong, I was queried if I wanted a sub from the bench. After hesitating, the pain started to increase and I realized it would be a good idea.

This one slide tackle reduced me to whimpering all night. Due to my foot making heavy contact with the opposing player's leg, I could barely walk on it. It got worse as the night wore on, to the point where when I went to bed, I could only lie there and moan for a few minutes. This wasn't the worst consequence of this slide, however.

Now, since I slide tackle a lot, I'm used to getting floor/grass/fake grass burns (aka raspberry) on the side of my sliding left leg. The last 3 games have all resulted in one. Yes they burn in the shower the next day, but that is usually the end of it. By the time the next game rolls around, everything is completely healed.

The one I got on Tuesday has been amongst the worst ever. Heather was even concerned, so she played nurse and cleaned the wound. She found little rubber pellets from the artificial grass embedded under my skin. Needless to say, the wet cloth against the open wound did not feel nice.



The past 2 nights, I have had to avoid anything making contact with it, including covers, wives, clothing, anything. It burns bad. So I've been sleeping with my ass exposed out the side mostly. Yesterday morning, Heather put gauze on it along with some polysporin. In a few short hours, that gauze was soaked in pus and it was stuck to the wound. This happened a few times throughout the day.

The morning-after shower, as always, was not fun. However, I don't recall ever seeing this afterward; there was pus literally dripping down my leg. After re-gauzing and disinfecting. I dressed and went to work. It took virtually no time for pus to soak through the gauze and through my underwear. My shorts were even wet from the pus. I didn't prepare for this and I had to go to Pharmasave to get supplies to re-cover the wound.



So why does this make me have to limp on my left side? Well every time I take a step, thus bending my knee, my underwear rubs against the open wound (I got sick of gauze). It is still soaking my underwear with pus and it still burns heavily.

So the conclusion? Compression shorts under my soccer shorts. Something I told myself a decade ago would be a good idea. The result of complete and utter lethargy. Somebody slap me.

Gorilla Knife Fight

After briefly discussing the wicked picture of the lobster knife fight yesterday, I found this on CBC's website:



I know this could have been violent, deadly, horrifying, sickening, and enraging to animal lovers everywhere. Me, not being one of them, thinks this PICTURE is awesome. Not the situation.

Nothing came of it though, the knife was safely retrieve and both gorillas went back to throwing shit at each other.

HAHAHAHA that is the sound of me laughing

...Laughing at his holiness, Brian Burke, perched atop his ivory tower, sitting on his throne, blood filled chalice in hand. That's a pretty accurate picture, I think.

Today he's announced that he wouldn't pick up Dany Heatley in a trade because of the way he asked to be let go from the Senators:

In a phone interview with Deb Placey and Billy Jaffe on NHL Live! broadcast on the NHL network, Burke stated that the Leafs had no interest in the two-time 50 goal scorer, largely because of the way he has chosen to handle his trade request.

"We're not going to be in on that," Burke stated. "He's a good player but I have certain guidelines on how players ask for trades."

Oh, that's rich. This coming from the guy who happily snapped up Chris Pronger who up and left Edmonton after ONE season because his wife wasn't happy (for reasons that are neither here nor there).

What's more likely is that Pronger was a bruising, suspendable player, the ilk Burke seeks, while Heatley is not.

Though Brian Burke is good and he will be good for Toronto, he is the ultimate douchebag and gives me even more reason to hate the Leafs than I already have.

I'm going with the Noid.

'Cause he's amazin'. Yeeeeah he's awl dat. If he ain't awn 'is grind, den watchoo kawl dat?



He'll fuck yer shit up is basically what I'm saying.

Fuckin' Noid had his own video game and everything.

Ah, shit. So did the 7-Up Spot. (by the way- wtf?! The spot? What the shit kinda mascot is that?)

And Ronald McDonald i think...

Well never mind. The Noid is still gonna rule that shit. You know it. He's the fuckin' N-O-I-D.

Iain Hume News

On Dailymail.co.uk's frontpage...

Barnsley striker Iain Hume has declared himself fit for pre-season signalling an end to his horrific injury ordeal.

The 25-year-old underwent surgery on a fractured skull and internal bleeding after a challenge by Chris Morgan during the match against Sheffield United on November 8.

Iain is a Canadian international and could be very important for our national team moving forward, with Tomasz Radzinski in the twilight of his career. Hume is small and fast and has fit well in the winger role for Canada in the past. I don't know if he can play in the upcoming Gold Cup, but that would be a boost for us and for his career I'm sure.

Steve Nash On Letterman

Lonely Island - On A Boat

Funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Good song too.

SP Sports FUBAR

Good old double head scratcher article in Thursday's Star Phoenix. I wonder if accuracy is important for print media? Do they even proof read this stuff.

Notice how Todd Nichols(on) has different names in different places. I've never heard of this guy, so I don't even know which one it is! And then Todd Blythe is different heights. Did he grow while McCormick was writing the article?



Oh, and another great feature in Wednesday's edition. Though I love these articles, chronicling the Riders by position day by day, they have now used 3 different methods of denoting the imports/non-imports. Wednesday's offensive lineman chart used (n) to denote imports. Hello?

The Goat

No, not that goat.


Crazy Old Goat - Watch more Funny Videos

Cracked rules

The 7 Most Mind-Blowing Foreign TV Moments -- powered by Cracked.com

Between Two Ferns

Zach with Bradley Cooper. Love it.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Actually made me laugh at work and get wierd looks

oh dear...

Man Uses Live Swan to Beat up Victim

I don't think I need to say anything.

WHAT!?

Kronwall Kronwall's Havlat

update: Sportsnet's Mike Brophy's take

First of all, it always amazes me how stupid hockey players can be. You have a guy who, who knows, could be in a coma on the ice and they are stepping all over him. It was the game before this where one of Chicago's players' heads nearly got taken off with a skate blade to the neck. Now Havlat is laying there, unconscious, and they could have decapitated him by stepping in the wrong spot.

As I was saying the other day, hockey is like no other sport in the world, except organized fighting and lacrosse, where violence outside the confines of the game is not only accepted, it is a marketing tool for the league. If you saw two basketball players, two football players, two baseball players, or two soccer players fighting, they would get tossed from the game. Those sports live (for the most part) without fighting. For some reason, in hockey, passion and violence go hand in hand; you can't have one without the other. Football is a contact sport. A hard hit is accepted as such. How many times have you seen a guy get blocked from the blind side and just get demolished? There is never a brawl afterward. It's part of the game.

I say F*** the hockey purists who say fighting is necessary. I've watched the Olympics, the World Championships, the World Juniors, there is no more chippiness or dirty hits than there is in the NHL. And the game is just as entertaining without fighting. I think hockey's excuse to let the players police themselves is one of the worst arguments in sports. Back in the old days when that statement was even truer you had line brawls and Mike Milbury in the stands whacking guys with shoes (seriously, look it up). These are the types of athletes you want policing themselves? They can't police themselves.

And to address Kronwall's hit, it was dirty and he should be suspended. He left his feet, I don't care if it was before or after the hit, and any time the league can review hits and see clearly an intention to hurt another player with a devastating hit to the head when he's not looking, then a lesson needs to be sent to the players doing these things. Unfortunately, there is no suspension and Havlat is now questionable for game 4.

Exposing a Diver: Kyle Lafferty

Here is a Rivaldo type performance by Ranger's Kyle Lafferty. I'll bet he wasn't laffertying though when his own team fined him and the Scottish Premier League could potentially suspend him.

Good Question

As DailyMail asks: "How did Ballack get away with this?"



I hate Michael Ballack. Nothing more needs to be said.

Britney, please

When I get out of the pool, I'm tired. And wet. Why do the radio Gods feel the need to blast me with Britney Spears' junk noise every time I'm toweling off? WHY! It never fails. I think 4 or 5 weeks in a row. It's incessant and unnecessary. Does anyone even like her or her garbage sounds? Without being embarrassed about it?

This needs to stop. C95 and 96 need to stop. Give me back my sanity. That's all I ask.

He lives in a lair...

Below is a link to an interesting little discussion over at BLDGBLOG on the nature of evil lairs as represented by video games. All I know is I've heard a heck of a lot about Shadow of the Collosus- man I wanna play that game. Anyway, here ya go. It's a pretty good little read.

Debunking Soccer Rules

I've been reading FIFA's "Law's of the game" online and found some glaring issues with how their rulebook is applied in the real game and some misleading/contradictory statements.

Interesting reminders:
-A goal can be scored from the kick-off.
-A penalty is decided based on where the foul occurred; the ball position does not matter.
-A free kick inside a team's own penalty area requires all opponents to be outside the 18 yard box. Ball isn't in play until it leave penalty area.
-On a penalty shot, all players except the goalie must be behind the ball, specifically at the sides of the penalty area, 12 yards from the goal line.

LAW 7 – THE DURATION OF THE MATCH - Allowance for Time Lost
Apparently "any other cause" is a valid reason for the referee to allot added time. Additionally, "The allowance for time lost is at the discretion of the referee." So the referee can make up any reason for added time or decide not to allow any extra time if he/she so desires? Isn't the wording here just opening the door for potential referee bias?

Furthermore, in the referee interpretation guidelines, it says "the referee must allow for the full amount of time lost through injury to be played at the end of each period of play." WTF is going on?

LAW 9 – THE BALL IN AND OUT OF PLAY & LAW 10 – THE METHOD OF SCORING
This is something that should be über clear to every soccer player, but it still a source of confusion for me, especially with the way this law is enforced. When you watch soccer on TV, you will consistently see balls which cross over the line being called out when there is grass visible between the white line marking the field and where the ball contacts the grass.

However, according to FIFA's rule, the WHOLE of the ball has to cross the line. This is like the whole puck crossing the line in hockey. You have to look from over top or straight down the line to see if an object has fully crossed the line. Since the ball extends outwards from where it contacts the ground, only looking at the ball's contact with the ground to see if it is over the line is insufficient.

LAW 12 – FOULS AND MISCONDUCT - Cautionable Offences
This is a big screw up if you ask me. Nowhere in this list of offenses does it say that a dangerous foul can be punished with a caution, aka yellow card. The only thing that comes close is "persistent infringement of the Laws of the Game." This means a player must commit several fouls before he can be cautioned if you believe in the word "persistent." And I do believe. It's a real word. I looked it up.

It would seem to me that the words "careless, reckless or using excessive force" should be removed from describing offenses leading to a free kick and applied to the justification for giving a caution. Because that is really how it works in the real game.

A funeral for Duke ... ?

Notice what I did with the question mark there?

But for the moment, yes, it's true. Duke Nukem is dead. 3DRealms, the company which develops Duke games, most notably the oft delayed Duke Nukem Forever, has gone bankrupt and closed its doors. And the game which may never be, starting from development in 1997, has potentially sunk with it.

Purely in the context of my video game fandom, this is a great tragedy for me. I don't get into games very much anymore and, in fact, the last game I have actually completed front to back was Duke Nukem 3d for PC with the new graphics pack. I was psyched ever since news last year started to come out that DNF was in active development and could be released sometime this year. There were even teaser trailers, screenshots, exclusive interviews, the works. Word on the street though is that part of 3DRealms' problem is that they wanted the game to hit the street with an explosive bang, surprising people instead of giving away too much of the premise of the game. And I must say, even though this may have hurt them from lack of publicity, it would have been a refreshing thing to have accomplished. I wasn't a fan of GTAIV's constant advertising, which didn't do much to hype the game for me and got rather annoying by the end. Of course, it didn't help that the game didn't live up to its potential.

But back to the question mark. 3DRealms going down will not kill DNF. Mark my words. This is just more publicity for the fire. Duke Nukem is back in the news and people are talking about it. Maybe not in a good way, but many people are going to express disappointment that the game will never be. And someone will jump on that opportunity and finish it, something 3DRealms couldn't do for over a decade.

Here are the latest and maybe last "promos" for the game.

Ah crap!

Awww...the plane looks so embarrassed. Like it's just trying to sneak away quietly.

Between Two Ferns - Natalie PortMAN

Oh Zach. I'm like an egg and you are like the edge of the counter. You crack. me. up.

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Tom Green

I might be one of the few, but as the expression goes: "The few, the proud, the Tom Green Fans"

When the pandemic hits Hundred Acre Wood...

Odd- if I was President, this is exactly what I'd do:

Only because it's Arby's

Batman Garage Sale with Adam West from Adam West

Yes! Please!

From Daily Mail...

Julian de Guzman has opened the door for Tottenham to clinch his signature at the end of the season.

The 28-year-old has been strongly linked with a move to White Hart Lane after earning rave reviews for Deportivo La Coruna.

There are several reasons I would love this move. I love supporting Canadian players abroad. It's important for our national team for it's players to have success overseas. Also, Spurs are my team. And when I first started really paying attention to the Premier League in 2005, it was Canadian Paul Stalteri's move to Tottenham which made me a fan of the club. And most importantly De Guzman is a fantastic defensive midfielder who can also crack the ball in from long range if he wants to. This is huge since I can't stand stupid Wilson Palacios who, had he caught any part of C. Ronaldo on Saturday after his two footed studs up attempted tackle, would have been sent off within 10 minutes of the game starting. Like Mascherano this year, Palacios only seems to be able to hack people down and he is a liability to be sent off whenever he's on the field. The sooner Spurs get rid of Palacios (and Jenas), the better.

The Revolution will not be televised (it'll probably be on YouTube)

It would seem that the recent verdict against the Pirate Bay's administrators has produced a bit of snarky reaction from the more revolutionarily-inclined people of interwebland. I am Jack's total lack of surprise.

---------------------------------------------------
Pirate Bay Prosecution Law Firm Under AttackWritten by Ernesto on April 26, 2009

During the Pirate Bay trial Monique Wadsted represented several major movie studios and called for a “very significant” prison sentence for the defendants. This didn’t go down particularly well with some Pirate Bay supporters and now, in a retaliatory move, a few of them have now taken down her law firm’s website. Keep reading....

----------------------------------------------

If it wasn't for the fact that I'm at work (and hence supposed to be working rather than trawling the vast empty void of the intertubes in search of distraction) I think I would be ranting...right...about...here. Oh well...it'll have to wait untill later. When I'm all liquored up.

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Dun duda dun dun dada dun! NEWS UPDATE!!!!!

Shit, this gets better and better: The Pirate Bay has now registered its new IPs to movie and music industry lawyers. Tee hee:

Pirate Bay IP Addresses Assigned to Prosecution LawyersWritten by Ernesto on April 26, 2009

The Pirate Bay recently got a new range of IPs and to everyone’s surprise they are now linked to several movie and music industry lawyers involved in the TPB trial. According to the Pirate Bay’s Wikipedia entry the change was due to a hostile takeover, but most people know better. Keep Reading

I'm going to start auto-tuning my voice in realtime.

I also heart Zach G

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

I heart Rob Corddry

Rob Corddry Has A Broner from Rob Corddry

I like jokes.

Wolverine ENTIRE MOVIE Leaked Online - watch more funny videos

Because I'm an Enginerd

Roger Millions FUBAR

Fenslerfilm

Classic

4 marks

Make the answer be the question. It's genius. If I only had this knowledge a decade ago.

How about another

Great shootout goal.

Thanks CBC....

for making Manitobans look like a bunch of hicks. Look at that major highway! It's two dog sleds wide! Now they can't go down to the states to upgrade to VCR Technology or watch real football teams. "Hey, Billy-Ray, looks like we won't be able to get our 4x4 to the moose hunt and hump competition. Shucks!"

Ever see a chipped penalty...in hockey?

This shit is all over digg today so you might have already seen it. But I don't care. This is gold.

Hilarious Ads

Grafite highlight reel goal

Wow, Bayern Munich got beat bad in this game, but to have this be the 5-1 goal is just insulting.

Douchebaggery

Oh Sean Avery, how nobody missed you, you giant douchebag.

Lady Saving Catch

First of all, of all the places you would go to suntan, why choose a baseball game outfield? I mean, do you not know that people are hitting coma inducing objects at you? Second, when you hear the crowd perk up after a giant cracking noise, you would think that would induce some kind of attention and maybe cause you to look up.

Lucas Podolski, German international, slaps German captain Michael Ballack during their World Cup qualifier against Wales on Wednesday. Nearly had another Dyer vs. Bowyer (2nd vid).

Rio

Two things that youtube taught me tonight. Rio Ferdinand is the trucker hat-lee, British Ashton Cootcher and Rio Ferdinand is an asshole who beats on old ladies.

Misery

A third period moment in last nights catastrophic Oilers 5-3 loss to the Ducks was all too appropriate and all too unfortunate. The Oilers fans still boo Chris Pronger and good on them for doing so. But when Dustin Penner booted a pass straight to Pronger, it would probably have been impossible to separate the booing directed at the Ducks' defensman or the Oilers sloppy, lazy, apathetic forward. It was a combination boo.

And to think that there are 3 years remaining in which Penner gets paid $4.25 Mil per season is almost criminal. I guess the bad call in signing Penner, in hindsight, highlights another one in last nights game when, 4-1 down, the Oilers scored twice in the last 5 minutes and with over two minutes left to play and all the momentum, MacTavish called for a stick measurement on Teemu Selanne. So, basically needing the win to keep pace in the playoff race and with no necessary need for a power play, this poor judgment call may have simultaneously killed the Oilers' playoff hopes and MacTavish's job. Dan Barne's article is appropriately titled Dumb Call. Needless to say, the stick was legal.

And so it is, optimism drains from various gaping pores in the manifestation of my hope.

Freakiest thing I've seen in a while

There is something about this that is unnatural, something you would see in a dream. First they don't look like normal owls. Second their gaze seems to penetrate the soul. Third, that one on the left looks like it could devour anything it wanted.

Daniel Tschetter, Be a Man

Sometimes its worthwhile discussing something on the best nothing. In this case, something disgusting, disheartening, and repulsive.

The back story from cbc.ca...

A concrete truck driver charged with killing five people in a Calgary rear-end collision testified that he's a longtime recovering alcoholic who's had a "couple of slips here and there."

Daniel Tschetter, 51, has pleaded not guilty to five counts of manslaughter, five counts of criminal negligence causing death and one count of obstruction in the deadly crash in December 2007.

It's a horrific story, a whole family wiped out in an instant. This is not a simple story of an accident gone bad. What makes this so disgusting is this guy has come up with every excuse in the book to account for his actions.

In short, his defense is that because his wallet may have been lost or stolen, because he was a recovering alcoholic, because he was in a rush, and because he had to worry about gages in his truck, he should be excused from any responsibility for driving a heavy vehicle erratically, speeding, not yielding to warning lights of an upcoming red light, running a red light, and killing a family of five.

Oh, and let's not forget he had a slew of past traffic violations and had been fired from a previous job for these digressions.

And the cherry on top, unbelievable:

He recalled wanting a drink of water, so he reached under his seat and took a drink from a bottle, before realizing it was vodka, Tschetter said.

...

Tschetter said he returned to his truck, climbed to the top and threw the bottle of vodka into the drum, because he didn't know what to do if people saw him with the container.

"What do I say, what do I do?" he testified.

Under questioning by his lawyer, Balfour Der, Tschetter explained the vodka bottle was in the truck so he could offer drinks to staff at concrete suppliers to get to the front of long lineups.

Excuses. You don't kill five people and go "oops, my bad." You take fucking responsibility. You don't make shit up about accidentally drinking vodka. You would have to think everyone is out of their fucking minds to believe that. Batshit crazy. Who is going to know what a bottle of vodka is or isn't. That's right, an alcoholic. He would have had to crack the seal on it (assuming it wasn't already open, which he would have to claim it wasn't). I feel insulted by this comedic testimony.

And the lack of responsibility after trying to hide the evidence doesn't stop there. He refused to submit to a breathalyzer. Was he worried about blowing .08 after a sip of vodka? It might not be fair, but I'm not on the jury, I'm going to read between the lines.

It makes me sick to my stomach I read about new developments in this story. And it makes me even sicker to hear that this jackoff Daniel Tschetter is trying to worm his way out of it.

Follow-up to Quagmire look-a-like mania

Most dashes in a blog post title ever.f

I'm going to piggyback onto Brett's "who looks like Quagmire" post and add another Premier League name.

Here he is, David Wheater:

I Swear to a Deity...

If I see that stupid effing Enterprise Rent-a-car (for my trip? sounds expensive!) commercial again, I'm going to go on a rampage. Or maybe just curse at the TV more. But seriously. Twice in one commercial package? On Hockey Night In Canada? Is the marketing business struggling that much they can't pay for new commercials or nobody wants to buy commercial time?

Fuck! I mean, I will NOT rent a car from that company which I will not dignify with a name any further. Ever! And if I ever see that lady in the middle of the street... I won't say hi. probably.

I fell asleep last night with my contacts in. I know. Who does that? You'd think I would realize it by seeing the clearness of the inside of my eyelids. Hey, I don't normally see that vein! I wonder if my dreams were more vivid. Everything is usually so blurry looking back on it in the morning, maybe that's just my poor far-sightedness. Unfortunately, I don't remember thinking when I woke up: oh, that recurring 3 armed monster I always see is just a bicycle. Jeez, I've been pissing myself in bed for that? Maybe if I dreamed about optometrist appointments more often, the bed wouldn't be so dewy in the morning.

Then the worst part is peeling the things off in the morning. It feels like I'm giving myself laser eye surgery with my fingers instead of lasers. Except afterward, my vision is worse, not better. And I don't smell burnt cornea.

Speaking of good eyesight, Dwayne Roloson deserves props this morn. I would say 3 props. 3 props for Roloson. I don't know what the average props given is when they are. Maybe 3 is low. So whatever the average is, Dwayne deserves more than that.

51 saves last night to preserve a victory that the skaters in front of him tried so desperately to foil. Granted I only saw from 4-2 on, the Oilers took penalty after penalty. Awesome game and massively important for the Oilers in the standings. But seriously, Roloson played his 30th game in a row, which is no small feat for a 39 year old goalie. In fact, this playoff push is starting to look like 2006. Roloson even dropped his stick last night, a common occurrence back in that Cup run. And the Oilers are currently paired with Detroit in the playoff standings like 2006. Just sayin...

I'm watching the England Slovakia soccer friendly right now. England have gone through two strikers in the first half and now have a volleyball player playing center forward. Good old England though, too good to actually give a shit and trying hard to give up their one goal lead.

The interweb's latest fetish, hurray!

Leia Ponies.

Things I Miss- Vol. 1

Welcome to "Things I Miss" Volume One. Alex's recent posting of those Barca highlights down below prompted me to watch the whole game replayed tonight on Setanta. Before the game started, they had a feature of the last time Barcelona and Malaga played eachother. It featured a Ronaldinho penalty.

Now. The penalty itself was unremarkable. It was smashed high into the roof of the net, but still...it's just a penalty. What was remarkable, however, was the joyous buck-toothed grin that followed. It reminded me of a simpler time. A time when Edgar Davids played for Barcelona. A time when I didn't have cable. A time when Ronaldinho was still lazy at training but nobody cared or called him fat because he was fucking amazing.

So. Tonight. For all your viewing pleasure, the thing I miss is...

Ronaldinho making people look retarded, smiling the whole time. Enjoy.



Okay...so this video is kinda weird. I didn't wanna mention it until you'd watched it. Hopefully you have. My favorite sequence is what I like to call the "Barret" trifecta. Yes, that's "el barret", "el triple barret" and (lest we forget) "el grande barret". Or maybe my favorite is the "El Vaselina"- a porn title waiting to happen. But then, that's facing some stern opposition from the heartfelt tribute to hugging at the end. Ah...it truly was a simpler time.

But seriously folks. I was looking for a genuine "Ronaldinho Sings His Greatest Hits" type thing for this post, but this was just too good to pass up. Still, I don't want you to feel cheated, so here you go. For real this time. And just to re-iterate the whole "Ronaldinho was once fucking amazing" thing, this collection is from just one season: 2004-2005. Accompanied, of course, by circa 1992 dance music.

Punch-Out!! Wii

The level of my excitement about this is truly disturbing.

Use that star, bitch!

Also, is it just me or is Mac's lower jaw hanging off at the end of this clip? That's cool. Kids like "darker" these days.

Oh wait, it's just a band-aid.

Darn.

Missing siblings

Liverpool's Albert Riera, meet your long lost brother: Family Guy's Quagmire.

Barca magic

Some of the most beautiful, flowing soccer you will ever see. Barcelona 6 - Malaga 0. And Messi could have had a hat trick.

Me playing soccer

Honest to God, this is an accurate and sad representation of me playing soccer last night.

Watch Kid Cant Kick Ball on CollegeHumor

University Dream Torture

This is so true, you can't even believe it. I wake up feeling like the world has been lifted off my Atlas-ian shoulders.

Windows Vista, Go To Hell

There's always something stupid happening with our Windows Vista laptop. Problems that stump not only Heather, but me too. And every time my mind instantly wanders to that fateful decision to rule our a mac because it would be too hard to get accustomed to for Heather. Granted, we typically don't have any issues with our win XP box, so really, Vista is the source of the problem.

Last night, Heather put pictures from our camera onto said Vista laptop. She then created a folder where she wanted to move the pictures to. The folder with pictures and the new folder were both created by Heather. She had full permissions for both folders. She is an administrator on the laptop. But somehow, Vista would not let her move or cut/paste the folder with pictures in it to the new folder. It accused her of needing administrator permissions to move it, which were denied.

I was finally able to move the folder with pics in it by copying it and pasting in the desired folder. I then had the same problem deleting the original folder with pics in it due to administrator permissions. And so, here is the genius of Vista. I could delete all the photos in the original folder and then delete the folder itself, without any complaint. But before, I couldn't just delete (or move) the folder with pictures in it.

Genius! Way to go Microsoft. Good luck convincing anyone to get Windows 7 and abandon XP. Better yet, good luck avoiding the masses converting to Apple fanboys.

A little musical comedy for y'all

BAT FIGHT with Will Ferrell from Will Ferrell

"High as F@%k" Music Video - watch more funny videos

BBC apologises after Match of the Day pundit compares football tackle to rape

You can read the whole article here.

Fair enough. It's a retarded saying. I know there is no intent to trivialize rape when Alan Pardew says "He absolutely rapes him" but that's the whole point. The word rape has lost all it's meaning in this context already. If the word that society uses to connote one of it's most heinous acts becomes bereft of impact...then brotha! I don't know what to tell ya! But, you know, that's how it is.

It's a bit hard to blame Pardew here. After all how many times have you heard (or even used) this saying. Allow me, if you will, to get cerebral on yo' ass.

I think there's a real case to be made here that certain words used in certain contexts really do carry an entirely separate meaning from when the word is used in its original context. Allow me to elaborate.

Let us take, for example, the word "gay". When you didn't like the movie, and so when asked by your friend, "Did you like the movie?" you said "That movie was gay", did you (honeslty, in your mind) conceive of the film as a literally homosexual film? My guess is that you just thought it sucked balls. (But of course, when I say you thought it sucked balls, I don't really mean that in your mind the film literally wants to, has, or is right now sucking on some guys balls, I just mean that you thought it was simply an unenjoyable movie).

You see what I'm getting at?

In the case of the word "gay", while it's fair to argue that the widespread use of "gay" as a general pejorative is a pretty shitty comment on society, I think that it's also fair to argue that the sentiment behind the comment as used above has nothing cognitively to do with homosexuality. In this case it can be argued that the word "gay" bypasses all of it's original specificity, retaining only the empty pejorative aspects of it's meaning.

If we transpose this to the case of Pardew's comments, it is not, I should think, insignificant.

Lets go back to Pardew and his use of "rape". Is it a somewhat distressing development that the word rape has become disarmed of significance to the point of being used to describe a tackle in a football match? Without a doubt. But the fact is no one has ownership over language. Language grows and shifts in whatever way society grows and shifts. The use of "rape" in the context of the above article is hardly unique to Alan Pardew. I'm sure we can all attest to the fact that "rape" is a fairy widely used (if rather insensitive) saying in regards to sporting events when describing a blatant foul.

So.

Is Pardew trivializing rape when he says "he absolutely raped him"? Well...yes, in as much as he's validating a previously established, context-specific word-meaning which has it's origins in a rather insensitive metaphor with one of humanity's most horrible acts.

But does Alan Pardew really mean to trivialize rape when he says "he absolutely raped him"? I don't think so.

And isn't it the thought that counts?

Exposing a Diver: This dude

What you look to gain from diving due to an official's flag is beyond me. Maybe you don't like the guy and think that maybe the ref will give the linesman a red card? Seriously. I'll bet that made that player's Mom cry when she saw that.

Why I laugh?

Two Handed Bowler

No, this isn't a joke clip, I read about this on ESPN and it isn't April 1st. This is an actual two handed bowler from Australia.

Wheel of Fail...

is the appropriate title of this youtube clip. And here I thought we were going to get to laugh at some stupid moron, when instead we get to laugh because we are immature, the way God intended.

#19 Jason Spezza

What I find so amusing about this is that the ref, instead of just announcing the number of the offending player, decides to also identify him by name. I've never seen that before. It's like he was trying to specifically embarrass him or shame him, which I suppose is deserved. Especially when you so deviously try and get away with it like Spezza does.

Does the ball boy get an assist?

Like to see Totti do this with his balls on the line.

P.s.

Totti doesn't smile. Ever. For anything.

What 55,000 Melbourne Victory fans sound like.

A couple weeks ago (sorry took me this long to find adequate video on YouTube) the Melbourne Victory followed up their A-League Premiership by winning the playoffs to become Champions for the second time in three years. Yes, I am a Melbourne Victory member. And yes, I was there for the grand final. This is the goal that brought us our second title. Next year, Asian Champions League. Fuck. Yeah.

Not a bad goal either.

Ovechkin magic

This is a few weeks old now.