When Stevie G wants some Phil Collins, you better give him some Phil Collins

Ahh, the new year is upon us. As a Liverpool fan, 2008 had finished so nice that it was hard to imagine how 2009 could get any better. Leading the league at Christmas for the first time in 12 years, then closing out the year by flattening Newcastle away 5-1 while Cheslea dropped points against Fulham...The proverbial gauntlet had been well and truly thrown down to our would-be challengers. The red juggernaught was rolling- gaining momentum faster than a fat Ronaldo rolling down a hill (or a career...zing!).

a fat Ronaldo

What could possibly go wrong? Well...Steven Gerrard- Captain Fantastic, our talisman, the scowly-faced scouse legend himself- could, you know, decide to glass a DJ for not playing Phil Collins and promptly get arrested and charged with assault. Oh, you say. That old chestnut.

What in sweet jesus holy hell was Gerrard thinking? I can just imagine Rafa Benitez after receiving the call, his chubby little bottom lip all a-quiver, huddled under the shower, muttering "Phil Collins? But why?" to himself over and over again. He must be absolutely baffled that his captain, one of the most single-minded and committed footballers of his generation, a man so obsessed with winning the Premier League that he probably shits little mini prem trophies, could do something so retarded at all, let alone right now.

There is only one explanation.

The pressure of rescuing Liverpool from mediocrity for so long has finally broken the mighty Stevie G. With the prospect of fulfilling his boyhood dream finally staring him in the face (albeit from a long way away- he still has to squint to see it...maybe that's where all the wrinkles on his forehead come from) he's cracking up. He's having a nervous breakdown.

How else can you go from this:

to this in about 30 seconds:


Even more baffling maybe is how Liverpool as a club, Benitez himself, and the FA have all come out saying they will support Gerrard through this whole thing. Like he's the victim of a clever conspiracy to make him smash someone in the face with a glass. I mean, true...we don't really know what exactly happened yet. Maybe it wasn't him that did it. Everybody deserves a fair hearing. But maybe they should all just shut the fuck up. Seriously. Like wow, this must be a very trying time for him. Never mind the guy missing his teeth and with a new visage a-la Leatherface. If he did glass that guy, then...well...I've lost all respect for him. There. I said it.

At least until we win the title.

Confessions of a Cantakerous Mind

Random thoughts:
1. Get rid of the fucking penny for God's sake. Quit stalling, you know it's going to happen.
2. Oilers on a three game winning streak, in a playoff position prior to tonight's games with games in hand. Turn me on.
3. Claude Lemieux signed by the Ducks. Why is this not front page material? The guy is 43 and hasn't played in the NHL for five years. This is so far out of left field, it is officially in foul territory.
4. Going to get an Ipod touch. It will interfere with my special time with the Star Phoenix on the bus, but I'm sure I'll cope.
5. Can't wait for the Winter Classic at Wrigley on Hang Over day 2009. As long as there isn't interruptions to clean the ice every 2 minutes due to a snowstorm.
6. I need to make my left leg bigger.
7. Kings of Leon.
8. Torrenting brings my internet connection to its knees. Should get more bandwidth but really don't want to pay for it. Also want PVR but also don't want to pay.
9. All soccer is going all wrong. Spurs losing. Cristiano Ronaldo not scoring at will for my fantasy team. Though Edgar scored in another big fixture this year. Hope he breaks into Newcastle. Canada needs a quality centre back, at least one anyway.
10. Caught KD in our hockey pool tonight if things stay the way they are. Time to practice my sass.

MS Ctrl-C

Batman Bitch Slap

I know I've seen this before, but it is still hilarious.

Funnytacular