Friday, December 22, 2006

Cartmas in Canada


Now, you might think I am talking about all-star power-forward Ryan SmYth, but I'm not. I am talking about should-be-all-star Jason SmIth.

Do you know who has the number 1 penalty kill in the league? The Oilers

Do you know who bears the brunt of that penalty kill time and has the 4th most blocked shots in the league (2nd most in the Western Conference) and who leads the Oilers in hits with 62? Jason Smith

So let's make this clear. Fuck Rory Fitzpatrick. Vote for a real hockey player.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Real mature, guys

Liverpool's Carling Cup game was postponed due to fog. Pansy's probably would have dived and started writhing on the ground in "pain" if the head ref would have charged at them.

I think we found the bitch in this group

Jon, at least you can say we've never done this to you.

Super Flashlight

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


My favorite is the "duh-duh-duh DUH, duh-duh-duh diddle-do-do" part.

Faucets for Dummies

From Gizmodo...

This could quite possibly be the world’s first color changing faucet — built-in LEDs change colors based on the water temperature. There is also “precise control” for baths, sinks, and showers.
Now if they could only do that to my urine!

Monday, December 18, 2006

Don't give this gift to your Grandma

Thanks Jon, this is too damn funny not to continue sharing it. Every living thing should give props.

Rumour Mill

I don't like starting rumours, but after what happened Saturday night, I think it might be something that should be discussed. I have a feeling that my rye and cokes at the Christmas party were being spiked with alcohol. I'm as shocked as anyone. I will do my best to make sure that doesn't ever happen again.

ps, Ryan and I concluded, the proper term for this sport is "Christmas Tree Guitar", not "Air Christmas Tree" or "Air Guitar Tree"

Friday, December 15, 2006

Barthez, thanks for the memories

Upon signing Edwin Van der Sar to a new contract, Sir Alex says that:

"Edwin is the best goalkeeper we have had since Peter Schmeichel"
Well I'm not sure if that's true...

We have a Wiener

Time magazine is picking its photo of the year. I choose this one, if nothing else, for it's championing of the handicapped. Here, they have a disabled person in a Cooper helmet and his blue pajamas guiding the horse into the pool. This proves that mentally-challenged people can perform dangerous, concussion/crotch-risking work just like anyone else. Bravo Timmy.

Think of how much better Aragorn will look, Heather

For those of you who don't know, Heather has a thing for Aragorn. I'm referring to the LOTR character, not the whats-his-face actor who plays him in the movie. It wouldn't have mattered if Tom Cruise had played Aragorn, she still would have found him hot. And believe me, Heather does not find Tom Cruise hot. That was an awkward threesome.

Anyway, this is proof in non-pudding form that the HD experience should be... experienced. Being that I am in the process of getting marital consent for the necessary purchases, the sexiness of the Lord of the Rings quality / Aragorn hotness in the link below should be more ammunition for me.

Nintendo Time

Bringing a new meaning to the term "playing Blades of Steel."

Sexy Time

Well, this should wrap up the Borat fun... until the first of 9 sequels I'm sure.

Thursday, December 14, 2006


Wow, thanks Ryan. As if it's not enough that I never have anyone to celebrate my birthday with (liquidity wise), you felt the need to point out that I also won't be spending my birthday with a million dollars spread around me naked on my hotel bed. No, I wasn't planning on convincing Heather to let me sleep with a MILF that was going to pay a million dollars for a night in the sack, I'm referring to the Million Dollar Shootout/Conspiracy:

Jason Hall is having his best Christmas ever. The 29-year-old registered nurse was randomly selected from more than three million entries for a chance to become an instant millionaire in a shootout contest on television. The London, Ont., resident will be the inaugural Chevy Silverado Million Dollar Shootout participant during the first intermission of the Calgary at Vancouver NHL game on Dec. 27
Sure, my chances were 6,000 to 1, but this was supposed to be destiny. I could have put Saskatoon on the map! I could have told the Flames in person that we didn't want their stupid preseason game. That they could make the Yukon Flames territory. I could have slapped Iginla in the face with a stack of one hundred dollar bills. But most of all, I could have been rich. Richer than God. Is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Please, put me out of my misery

I am on the verge of conceding the hockey pool. After getting a record 25 points on Saturday and boosting my hopes of at least coming back to beat Brad, it all comes crashing down to earth.

Last night I shit the bed. Half my players score.

And then tonight... Please tell me how offensive powerhouses Simon Gagne and Evegni Malkin, whose teams combined for 12 goals, are held off the score sheet. They both were a team worst -2. Kyle Calder got a point for God's sake! He scored his first goal in 28 games. Slow clap for you, Coulman. Let me get you a spoon, so you can eat my ass.

This can only be blamed on luck. I have bad luck. The rest of my competitors have good luck. Good night, and good luck.

Joe tells it like it is

Joe sees a spade:

Go Panthers!

In an insult to my family, my pride, and my heritage classic, the Calgary Flames CEO has stated the following:

"We are extremely appreciative of the support we receive from Saskatchewan and are proud to consider the province Flames territory," said Flames President and CEO Ken King.

I'd like to see a poll taken on the subject. If anything, it's split 50 fucking 50. SO, this cheap gimmick to attempt to lure gullible hockey fans from Saskatchewan to see the stupid Flames play during the regular season should be rejected in all counts. It is simply an attempt by the city of Calgary to prop up their tourism industry. Like what the fuck are they doing? Trying to play NHL Risk and conquer foreign soil? What's next, Montana?

Of course I am referring to the fact that there will be a preseason game in Saskatoon next September. As cool as that actually is, it is the Flames vs. the Panthers. As per my previous anger, I will boycott the game in an attempt to show this is not "Flames territory." I call on all other self respecting hockey fans to do the same. Let's stampede their asses out of town.

In the news

From ...

In what Winnipeg police are calling a first, two teenagers face charges based on video evidence gathered from a website.

The video, which showed cars racing at high speeds down Winnipeg streets, was uploaded to in the summer. Several people who downloaded the video complained to police.

Const. Jacqueline Chaput said Wednesday that police consulted the Crown before laying charges. She said traffic officers are regularly monitoring YouTube for other postings of illegal activity.
So let that be a lesson to you youtubers out there, especially you, Brad and Jon. Because now you know those videos of you guys could result in some indecent sodomy charges.

Some Great New Ads

And some classics:

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

That would be some kind of parade

Kramerican Psycho

Spot On Lads!

It is absolutely true, this is comical. You get angry at someone for diving, so you push him, he dives again, and then he comes at you and you dive? WHAT THE FUDGE!?

If this doesn't prove that soccer is for a bunch of panty fairies, then I don't know what is. And I will reiterate, something needs to be done about diving, because as much as they say it is in the rules to punish it, they don't. The referee will only punish a dive if he is 100% certain that the player has dived. I applaud Graham Poll for doing this on Saturday, catching Bernardo Corradi, and resulting in a sending off, but it is all to rare.

I will also reiterate that I am a footballer (read: soccer player) and therefore a panty fairy, don't bother pointing out this irony to me. At least I'm not a swimmer.

EXPOSING A DIVER - Bernardo Corradi (to come later)

Math IS fun

Monday, December 11, 2006

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Down to the Quad

Do you think Vecima will support this club if I start it? I know Paul is in.

Round One.... FIGHT!

Friday, December 08, 2006

Office Space Recut

And another I had not yet seen:

Hey KD, what are you doing Saturday?

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Royal Sampler Poker Night Wrap-up



Notes: Ryan owes me $11 for paying his debt (+ $10 for the Christmas Party tickets)

3 Parseks later...

Bad Start to December

So here's the list of me getting raped so far this month:

-Somehow I got charged like 50 times by Trenitalia (Italian train service) on my credit card. I've never bought anything from them, though I have perused their website from time to time due to our upcoming trip to Italy. Either my PC was hacked and my credit card info stolen or Expedia is lending out my credit card number to a lot of train passengers. I had the charges removed, but now I have had to cut up my credit card and I'm starting from scratch again. Once I find the perp, they are going to wish I used lube.

-I didn't win the Shoot for a Million. So now I'm just going to be even more depressed on my birthday when I'm not in Vancouver trying to win a million dollars. Stupid TSN.

-I didn't win poker last night.

-My stupid knee is sore for reasons unknown.

-There weren't any unfrozen muffins this morning.

-My doctor said it isn't supposed to bend like that.

-The idiot didn't blend the crowbar:

More disappointments to come, I'm sure.

This is just fun

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Spore Repore

Scrap Metal Anyone?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Britney Spears' Vagina

Not really

Monday, December 04, 2006

Weekend Hockey Highlights

The Good:

The Bad/Ugly/Kill Ovechkin:

Probably the dirtiest hit this year, outdoing Liles' knee on knee on Smytty. Now they are saying Ovechkin might only get a fine for that! WHAT THE FUCK!? Does anyone remember Erik Cole getting his neck broke last year? Replay after replay and analysis after analysis consistently condemned Orpik for the hit and he was then suspended 3 games, which is still too lenient. Dan got 8 games in soccer for a hit from behind into the boards (though that was reduced to 3 games, Dan, you're a goon).

So basically the NHL is saying, the victim's injury is going to decide the punishment for the crime. Briere could have lost his head! Why should it take a guy in a wheelchair or neck brace to determine whether a guy should be suspended or not? Hits like that deserve 5 games at least, in my opinion.

It seems that the NHL is also saying that if you are a superstar, you can get away with shit like that. Lost in all this is the fact that Briere is a superstar too, despite what stupid Jim Matheson of the Edmonton Journal says:

Never mind Rick DiPietro getting that ridiculous 15-year, $67-million deal in Long Island from his boss Charles Wang. How about the arbitrator handing Buffalo's Daniel Briere $5 million US this season off 58 points last year? You think he's worth that? You think Briere, while feisty and quick, will get as many points as Jersey's Scott Gomez, who got $5M US, too, from a salary judge? Me neither.

I nearly shit my pants when I read this at the beginning of the season. Not just because I love Danny Briere and I think he should have made the last World Cup and Olympic teams(he clicked with Heatley in the 2004 Worlds (2g, 6a, 8pts) and at the 2003 Worlds), but because this Matheson joker completely ignores that Briere only played in 48 games due to a hernia removal. He was on pace for 99 points if he played the full 82 game schedule, which would have been good for 8th spot in the league. Gomez, meanwhile, had 84 respectable points in a full 82 games. Maybe Matheson can't do math (which would be ironic).

Oh and should we ignore the fact that Briere had 8 G and 11 A for 19 points in 18 playoff games last spring, too?

So far this year, Briere has 10G, 20A for 30 points in 26 games (+5), while Gomez has 3 G, 12 A for 15 points in 17 games (-2). The fact that Buffalo is an offensive powerhouse (113 goals for, 1st in the league) and New Jersey is not (62 goals for, last in the Eastern Conference), only gives further credence to Briere's case. Lastly, Briere has to compete for ice time (especially power play) on a team that is very deep at the center position (Drury, Roy, etc.). Gomez does not have this problem (Parise, Madden, etc.).

Briere will keep up to and likely put up better numbers than Gomez. If anything, Briere is underpaid this season if you are comparing him to Scott Gomez.

Jim Matheson, you should be fired for your indiscretions and slander! Someone who is in the Hockey Hall of Fame for this kind of stuff should be better than this.

More fuel for the fire:

Inter-Animal Face Humping

I'm sorry, but if this doesn't brighten your day, I don't know what will. A pig and bat?

Shoot for a Million

I got all depressed this morning because I thought I had lost out on TSN's Shoot for a Million. They said they were making the draw on December 6 at 9:00 AM and here I was, waiting by the phone, and nothing.

But lo and behold, it turns out that today is NOT December 6, instead it is the 4th. It is amazing what a calendar will tell you when you don't switch it to the next month.

So now I am all happy and optimistic again. I will be there, in Vancouver, on December 27th (my birthday), in front a crowd full of winter-weather-handling-disabled urbanites shooting my way to a million dollars. I didn't win the free day off for my charitable donations at work, so it is destiny that I win this.

The next step will be to learn how to use a hockey stick.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Dear Gas Man 2

UPDATE: I have updated the totals owed for Calgary trip gas money. Don't count on me forgetting. EVER.

And, Brad, you owe me 5$ for McDonalds on Tuesday.

Dear Gas Man. Went to Aspin. Sorry about the money.
Would you like to know how much you owe for Calgary-ing a weekend before last? Here are the totals:

PS, Coul-Dog, did I owe you money for any reason? I have a sneaking suspicion.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Dear Brent...

It may be a cliché, but neverless, FUCK YOU!

This is what Brent sent me this morning in an email:

To understand the burn, please see this.

Well, you can laugh your way right to hell my friend.

And FYI, don't forget this. Or this. Or especially THIS.

ps, or this.

All I want for Christmas is...