Dear Candice and Shannon

First off, just let me say how nice you looked today, it was a pleasure to have spoken with you.

I realize this is an important day for everyone and there is a lot of buzz surrounding this afternoons lunchtime beard-off. However, since I have not had much time to socialize with you ladies lately, I just wanted to get this off my chest.

I would just like to share with you reasons why I should win this competition, in most, if not all categories. I will share on a point by point basis:

• Pity - I had to release my prior growth last week due to the passing of Heather's Grandfather. And while the competition is important to me, the sanctity of human life is the one thing that overrides it. But I have made a comeback since and I now sport a blossomed face like no other.

• Authenticity - As you already know, I was on the moving crew over the period of the competition. What lends credence to the beard I now wear proudly is the fact it was used in good ol' fashion manual labour. In other words, I looked the part and lived the lifestyle. I let the beard dictate me, and not the other way around. Who else would have realized and respected the power of their beard as much as I? That is the question you need to ask yourselves.

• Manliness - I have not cleaned up my current growth, nor would I have. I've let it run wild up to this point like I would have, had I not cut it off last week. The beard and I, we are free spirited souls, frolicking in the mystery of life, dancing in the parlour of creation, and basking in the sunshine of wonder.

• Style - Just reflect, if you will, for a moment on the way my striped shirt "goes" with my beard. I'm not one to brag, but holy hell is that ever awesome. Don't ask me why, because it should just be clear to everyone with no questions asked.

Now, some might see this as an attempt by me to try and persuade you. Some might even accuse me of making a bribe. But ask yourselves this: how does government work? How do celebrities prevent sex tapes from getting out? What is the point of a hostage taking? That's right, they are all based on bribes. Bribes make the world go round and I am just taking part in circle of life.

Failing that, why not create a new category for an award? Something like the spirit award, for most perseverance and dedication to a beard despite all odds.

I'm just saying is all.

Your dearly,
AlexR